BRII: Round I Entries
+4
Jacan Na'al
Mictian
Kevlar
Carlen Darko
8 posters
Page 1 of 1
BRII: Round I Entries
Carlen Darko Tue Feb 09, 2010 10:31 am
Judges, please submit to me via PM your choices by no later than this Wednesday (February 10th).
Everyone else, feel free to support your fellow members and comment here as they are working very hard to make this an enjoyable and competitive Royale.
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Alicia De'Lories (Kevlar)
Jeme'Maer
Jacan Na'al
Gerard Halcyon
Bahn Durm
Quinlan Sa'athis
Jasterk Staren
Benson
Everyone else, feel free to support your fellow members and comment here as they are working very hard to make this an enjoyable and competitive Royale.
---
BR II ROUND I
Alicia De'Lories (Kevlar)
- Spoiler:
- Corellia Apex Diversion.
Prologue
An small blue indicator light blinked in a pitch black room. A blastdoor slipped open to bath the room in harsh illumination.
A slim lady stepped from the bright glow to step into the dark room and made her way to the blinking light. Reaching out with one gloved hand she pressed the light and stepped back as the blastdoor behind her whispered shut behind her.
A circular ring of light flowed down from a ceiling fixture and resolved into a hologram of a robed and hooded figure.
The lady give the hooded hologram a nod of acknowledgement and awaited the message in silence.
‘Sera De'Lories, we have a small task that requires your expertise.’ The hologram said as a series of images and datascreens leaped into existence around the hologram, outlining the objectives of the commission.
For a moment Alicia De’Lories appeared to studied the particulars, though in actuality she had already captured and saved the information into her datacenter as it was transmitted through to holocom.
“I take no issue with wetwork as a means.” Alicia spoke finally with some hesitancy. Seeming to take particular care to choose her words. “But I’m not overly fond of killing as an ends. What I do is art, not butchery.”
“Noted.” The figure said and continued regardless. “But this is a matter of some delicacy and the council has decided you are the most suitable asset to resolve the situation.”
“Understood.” She acknowledged and turned to walk from the room.
Chapter I
Corellia Airlanes- 2 Weeks later.
A old red sports speeder parted from the busy traffic lanes above the bustling cityscape of Corellia, it made its way sedately between the tall elegant structures of the city headed towards the outskirts, an area with which was vastly contrast in its run down appearance.
The red speeder finally turned down a particularly haggard looking avenue and settled down behind two other vehicles as well as a speederbike.
A group of gang members stood from their game of pazack on the pavement to stare with hostile expressions at the as Alicia De’Lories exited from the vehicle.
Taking a look around the desolate looking street and closed shops, she ignored the gangsters as they closed in with threatening postures, clearly thinking her an easy mark.
“Hey lady!” One of the gangsters yelled with a snaring grin. “You’re parking on a private space, you going to have to pay a fee.” He cracked his knuckles threateningly.
Turning to stare at the group Alicia looked them over with a cold expression, causing them to bristle with agitation and edge towards their weapons.
Growing up in the war shattered lower levels of Coruscant, she knew that a gang was not unlike an army. The living leadership never made an appearance on the frontlines, else they did not remain living for long. So she knew the group in front of her were nothing but foot soldiers for the local gang who ruled this sector.
When the gangster began to get nervous, Alicia finally broke the silence.
“Please inform Mr. Inkari that ‘red wisp’ has business to conduct in this area and that he will be compensated for his understanding.” She said cryptically, flipping one of the thugs a credit chip before retrieving a carry bag from the speeder and walked off down the avenue, leaving the gang members muttering amongst themselves while one of the thugs contacted the gang’s leadership.
As she turned to corner at the end of the street, Alicia glanced back over her shoulder, satisfied that the pre-arrangement agreement was working out as the group of thugs quickly left area by the other vehicles.
Chapter II
Corellia outskirt streetsways – Soon After
Jeme Knuxx made his way cautiously down the semi-busy throughway down on ground level Corellia. He wasn’t really nervous, not many beings he’d met on these rundown streets had the prowess to match a person of his skills and power.
Still, he had been having a sensation of being watched ever since he arrived here on Corellia. He’d never actually caught sight of anyone however.
At one point he thought he spotted a woman following him, thinking he had seen her earlier on as he left the spaceport, where he had left his ship, The Knuxx’s Remorse. But when he doubled back to take a closer look, he realised that he had been mistaken.
Even though he realised it was likely just nerves, he still paid extra care to his surrounding, his training had taught him never to ignore his feelings and especially when someone else’s life by very well hang by his very actions.
He had arrived on Corellia last week after been handed this assignment by the Order’s leadership, it had seemed that the Order’s agents had uncovered an assassination plot of an Order’s senior member being developed and put in place on Corellia.
He spent the entire week on arriving trying to uncover the plot and figure out who was being targeted and by which party.
He’d been having limited success, as of yet he had been unable to figure out who the target was, but he had finally succeeded in finding an informant who after some coaxing had agreed to meet in order to give him information regarding the operation in exchange for anonymity, protection and fund for a free passage off Corellia.
So Jeme had to triple check that he wasn’t being followed, at the very least for his informant’s sake. Reaching the end of the throughway he started to turn on to a side street when he stopped on the corner, every fibre of his in an alarm as he stared at the abrupt change of activity before him.
Not a single person occupied the street, usually the outskirts of Corellia this day and age was rife with gang activity. However, this street one block from his meet stood suspiciously empty, the area was devoid of movement and vehicle, save for a particularly run down speeder that wasn’t worth anyone’s time to steal.
Cautiously, ready for an attack from all quarters at any moment, Jeme carefully drew in to force around him and through his senses, then cast it outwards into the surrounding neighbourhood feeling for hostile, nervous or even an overly curious mind.
However he felt no one. He detected many lifeforms within the surrounding structures, but no one seemed particularly interested in any going on outside of their buildings, in this neighbourhood it was likely a survival instinct.
There were also some type of traffic control droid on top a building at the far end of the empty street and a couple of security droids on guard within a particularly well kept structure nearby, likely a hidden gambling den.
Still, his senses were telling him that something was very wrong with this picture.
Chapter III
Vacant Street Structure Rooftop – Now
Alicia stared through a high powered digital scope, down the far end of the street at the mark on the corner, pausing behind partial cover.
Through her mind she was constantly monitoring area traffic for any abnormalities while observing any changes to shifting wind patterns down in the street and updating her dynamic trajectory calculations.
Of most important though was the behaviour prediction matrix she was actively running, factoring in the mark’s psychological profile, current/previous observed states and taking account for risk/reward calculations. Alicia concluded that the mark had a 73% percent chance of withdrawing to bypass this sector.
Such an outcome was calculated as an undesirable event, so measures had to be taken immediately to alter the resolving situation.
Activating an alternate process she had readied for just this event, she cycled the bulky concussion rifle’s power charge and prepared to open fire on the distant figure.
Chapter IV
Corellia outskirt streetsways – Now
A trilling beep sounded from Jeme’s belt beneath his loose robes and he quickly reached in pass his lightsaber and whipped out his holo communicator. The contact identity showed a encrypted signal of his contact, the person had tried to hide their identity through an complex encryption protocol and voice altering software, but Jeme was no rookie when it came to electronic espionage and had managed with some effort to bypass its encryption.
So when he activated the com instead of a synthetic like voice of the scrambler, he heard the panic voiced of the young lady.
“Master Knuxx!” The girl squeaked before babbling something incoherent in panic. Jeme didn’t bother to correct her mistaken impression that he was a Jedi Master, such an error on her part could be advantageous for him in this situation.
“Calm down, I’m almost there, what is the situation?” He asked, projecting calm through the power of his voice.
“I think I’m being followed. They are coming to get me!” the girl whispered through the com. “This was a stupid idea, I don’t want to die.” She sobbed “I’m leaving. Please don’t come after me!”
“Wait!” Jeme half-shouted into the com, cutting the frightened girl off before she had a chance to end the link. “I’m right around the corner, I have a ship that can be here momentarily to take you off planet and out of danger and if you wait for 20 seconds then I can be there to insure your safety. If you are being followed then the assassins already know your identity, the only safety will be found off-planet.” Jeme explained calmly, hoping that a logical argument would break through the fearful fog of her mind.
For a moment he thought that he had lost the lead. But the girl finally replied in a slightly calmer manner.
“Alright.” She said nervously, sounding slightly echoy, probably from hiding in an enclosed space. “But please hurry.”
“I’m nearly there, wait for me.” Into the last words he put all his skills at force persuasion. Pocketing the com he stepped from the corner in a fast run.
Through the disturbance of the force he felt the precise moment the shot was fired at him and attempted to throw him to one side.
The energy bolt struck the spot that he had occupied a micro second before, narrowly missing him. Unexpected however was the explosion that slammed into him throwing himself across the street.
Chapter V
Vacant street rooftop – Moments ago
The most basic equation in regards to any form transaction between two parties was called the simple ‘Risk/Reward’ calculation.
In order for transaction to be agreed by both parties, the Risk and Reward of both parties must achieve relative equity. If one party decides that the increasing potential risk outweighs the potential reward, then they are likely to pull out from the deal all together.
The opposing party then has one of two choices if this is the case.
First, withdrawing from the transaction and there by terminating the deal all together.
Or, second, try to increase their risk to match the disadvantaged party or decrease his own reward in compensation.
Abuse of this simple equation is known to the most of the galaxy as basic bargaining principles. Alicia however, wasn’t quite like most of the galaxy.
“Alright.” She said into the comm, her voice stress pattern carefully regulated to appear distressed and nervous. “But please hurry.” She begged and disengaged the link.
She watched through the telescopic sights of her concussion rifle as her mark pocketed his communicator and leap from cover to cross the empty street.
Calculating the trajectory, angle’s and vector of the shot with machine like precision, she depressed the firing stud and the rifle slammed out a highly condensed bolt of pure kinetic energy.
The bolt flickered across the intervening distance in an incalculable instant, precisely where it was intended to hit. Except impossibly, the target wasn’t there any more. She didn’t need her AI-mind to informed her that an improbable event just took place.
Alicia watched impassionately as the force of the expanding kinetic wave exploded outwards in a storm of flying debris. One of the larger pieces, a Nautolin shaped figure sailed through the air and slammed through the security screen of a nearby shopfront.
Her mind raced as it discarded the calculation errors and began a new.
[Analyzing Nautolin bio-parameters, Comparing Subject known physiological records, Calculating Kinetic impact and energy absorption.]
[Conclusion, 13% chance of lethal trauma. Likely sensory damage, disorientation, minor organ damage and extensive bodily bruising.]
[Retriving Store security screen invoice, analyzing Store security screen strength, Calculating subject air-borne velocity, calculating impact energy].
[Conclusion, 32% chance of lethal trauma. Likely suffered grade 3 concussion, fracture cranium, broken bones. Warning, unknown factors in effect.]
[64% Chance subject is still alive, 41% chance subject still combat effective.]
Alicia finished the runtime quarter of a second after the mark had crashed through the storefront. She readied her rifle and waited for her mark to make his move.
Chapter VI
Corellia outskirt streetsways. – Now
As he crashed head first through the security screen, the painful slam of his head against the kinetic barrier was like an exclamation mark to the freshly realised possibility that the target of the plot was actually himself. The beating he took as he demolished half the shop to stop his flight acted like a sense of painful irony at his situation.
For a few moments he simply lay there amidst the wreckage of the ruined shop thanking the force that he was still alive. As far as he could tell he got extremely lucky. Nothing felt broken except his humour. He also had a mighty collection of new cuts, scrapes and bruises.
Picking himself off the ground he made his way gingerly back to the front of the shop, stopping just inside he cast out his mind as he was taught to search for the shooter.
Although he had no idea where the shot had been fired from, for some unknown reason he thought of the traffic control droid and focused his power there.
Immediately he realised his mistake, that signature was no droid at all. It was in fact human, although the entity’s thoughts were incredibly alien, almost machine like in its operations and calculations. And all its faculties seemed to be tasked on trying to kill him.
Well, if any one knew how to throw a hydro wrench into a complex machine, it was Jeme. Focusing his affinity with the force, he gathered all his powers into a sharp brutal instrument and stuck a massive blow at the shooter’s mind with incredible force. At the same moment he leaped from cover, prepared to counter any attack, an attack that failed to materialise.
Seizing his chance like he had been taught at the Sith academy, he decided an aggressive attack was in order. He had to capture the assailant in order to extract information from them. Now that he knew who the target was, he needed to find out who wanted him killed and eliminate them to prevent future attacks.
The only problem was how he got to the assassin’s perch up high and so distant. Glancing around quickly he stopped exactly what he needed and blurred across the intervening space, leap the side of the parked speeder. Striking open a panel with his foot, he began rewiring the vehicle’s ancient looking security system.
Chapter VII
Vacant street rooftop – Moments ago
Alicia’s world exploded in chaos, the ground collapsed beneath her and she fell.
She fell far faster than any gravity she’d known on all the world’s in the galaxy.
She fell straight into a broiling storm of chaos, a storm of nothing.
And as she fell, other indescribable things fell with her, she constantly fell into things or things fell into her.
Some
things burned with brilliant cold, while others froze over her organs
like liquid heat, things ate into her face like acid and vibroblades
crawled underneath her skin.
She opened her mouth to inhale the clouds of terror and prepared to scream her hate.
[RUNTIME ERROR, INVALID REALITY MATRIX]
[Massive psionic intrusion detected. Secondary and tertiary systems compromised.]
[Psychological and physiological governors now enabled and in effect.]
[Normalizing adrenal and glandular chemical production levels.]
[Overiding non-responsive biological systems.]
[Eliminating improbable sensory information. Recovering Audio/Visual functions.]
Alicia
snapped back in place, out of the fetal position she had curled into
and rolled to her sided to seize her concussion rifle. Spending
precious microseconds she made sure she hadn’t damaged or altered her
rifle adversively in her convulsions.
Satisfied with its
continued operation, she snapped the stock back into her shoulder,
resighted on the target, ran targeting calculations and fired all in
one smooth flowing move.
Chapter VIII
Corellia outskirt streetways. – Now
The unexpected shot as he lifted off the ground nearly killed him.
Never
had he known anyone to recover from the effects of a force induced
insanity with such rapidity. Combined that with his preoccupation with
his glow of satisfaction at getting the old speeder to work (no mean
feat that was). He almost didn’t react in time to the bolt that flew at
him from directly in front.
Without really enough time to really
panic, he instinctively and blindly reached out with all the force he
could muster, caught the kinetic bolt a half length from his face and
slammed it aside with brute strength.
The bolt flew aside like it had been a blaster shot hitting a deflector shield and finally demolished the already wrecked store.
Jeme
didn’t have enough time to notice, acting more out of instinct then
skill he narrowly avoided a second shot by rolling the speeder.
Swinging
around a hovering repulsor sign he avoided it fate in defragmentation
from a third shot and weaved out of the way of the fourth shot.
The
Fourth shot barely missed his head and he knew he wouldn’t remain so
lucky for much longer. He really needed the assassin alive for
questioning, but the being in question was proving too skilled for that
to appear possible. After all, he had to be alive to do any questioning.
So
with some reluctance, Jeme gathered his remaining strength and focus to
reach out as far as he could stretch with his powers and pushed the
fifth bolt back to its shooter bare moments as it was fired.
The explosion of debris as the roofline disintegrated into rubble caused him to wince.
Pulling
the old speeder into the best climb it could manage, Jeme tried to coax
all the speed from it as he could. Hopefully there would still be some
clues amongst the wreckage and the assassin’s corpse.
Chapter IX
Rubble strewn rooftop access way
Alicia
swiped at her eye to wipe the blood bleeding down into it from a cut in
her forehead. Head wounds always bleed like a bitch.
Returning to
the task at hand she quickly slotted the last piece of the broken down
bulky concussion rifle into its customized carry kit.
Shouldering
the kit she rolled out from behind a failing particle shield, its faint
green screen flickering and buzzing the air as it’s generator tittered
on the edge of oblivion.
Running diagnostics on herself, she
concluded that she had suffered no life threatening injuries as she
headed quickly for the turbolift which would take her down to a
pre-planned exfiltration route through the city’s vast maintenance
tunnels in the belly of the building.
Turning around she backed
into the turbolift, watching the mark as he reach the apex of his climb
in the old red sport speeder, a short distance from the shattered ruins
of the building front where she had made her sniper’s perch.
Checking
to see that the perquisite parameters were all met. Such as vehicle
height, the distance from the nearest populated buildings, the lack of
nearby air traffic, the lack of nearby sapient lifeforms. She sent out
a very specific transmission with a thought.
And the fusion
vacuum bomb she had installed on the speeder that morning before she
dropped it off on the street corner detonated into an artificial sun as
the doors on the turbolift slid shut with a soft snick, unheard in the
bedlam of the howling inferno.
The artificial sun sat suspended
in the sky above Corelia for a couple more fractions of a second, then
with eye blinking suddenness it began collapsing into itself, its
brightness growing in intensity as it shrunk.
Finally when there
was only a repulsorball sized orb of brilliant plasma, it exploded with
titanic violence and the shockwave shattered every single pane of
transpriplas within ten blocks.
Nothing but plasma and gas remained of the old sports speeder.
Jeme'Maer
- Spoiler:
- The beautiful flora and fauna of Ithor surrounded the Nautolan Jedi. It
had felt like years, probably even decades since Jeme Knuxx had been
shot down over Ithor. Though it had been only six months, Jeme would
have surely gone mad if it had not been for the Bafforr trees that
scantly populated Ithor. Jeme had spent months learning how to
communicate with them, protecting those nearby from the reek
population, which had already begun feeding on the slowly decreasing
Bafforrs. This lush, almost welcoming planet continued to remind him of
the geography of Glee Anselm, which only brought him little comfort.
Since his almost fatal escape from invading Sith forces on Alderran,
Jeme has been unable to successfully leave the planet; was what looked
like a paradise has become his cage. Unable to break any communication
from the outside world, Jeme had to rely on the Bafforrs populating a
specific area around his crash site to point him toward sustenance, and
prevent him from harm. As the days had waned on, Jeme began looking at
the skies less and less as his hopes for rescue became more grim....
A
six-man drop ship begins falling through the atmosphere, it has
skillfully slipped passed the Ithorians intricate security grids and is
descending closer towards the planets surface.
Standing in a
briefing area, a squad of four soldiers are standing around the
hologram of a gaunt, aging, human, clad in the dark robes of a Sith.
"Finally,
as per our recent agreement, this Nautolan needs to be brought to my
masters....dead. If not, there will surely be consequences set on you
by my superiors and trust me, they will not be happy if you were to
fail such a menial task....."
Undaunted, the squad commander clears his threat, speaking in a loud, booming voice "Aye,
as agreed, but, I sense, being the man of danger that I am, that you
are not telling all that me and my squad needs to know...if you think-"
Giving
a few short heaves, meant to be laughter, the messenger slowly brings
his head up to gaze, giving off his horrid features, an obvious
corruption of the dark side. "I am rather sorry,
but you are not in the position to question my masters orders. Do your
job former admiral, we gathered your pathetic excuse for a force from
the mines to track down this Nautolan and kill him!"
Getting too excited, the messenger begins going off into a series of
wracking coughs. Soon after, the messenger wipes the blood from his
mouth, gasping for air. "....Any...further...questions.....will
only seek to annoy those that...had freed you and your rebels from a
certain death sentence that the Inquisitors would have.....been very
considerate to carry out....Do not fail!"
With those last
words ringing through the squad commander's head, he slowly walks over
to the bar, terminating the signal. Feeling light headed, the commander
realizes that he had forgotten to breath. Breathing in a gasp of air,
the commander regains his composure "All right men!
This is our mission, run through the forest, kill a Nautolan crash
survivor, probably if he isnt dead yet and get off this rock....keep an
eye out, I never liked forest areas...too many places to hide."
Darting
straight through the atmosphere, a single one-manned ship makes a solid
landing on a clearing not far from the squad. A striking looking,
middle height, human female walks out of the craft, helmet at her side.
Her blood crimson hair, flowing in the wind can only be balanced by the
aura of fierce activity and the feral glint in her eyes. Checking the
area around her, she sets her mobile holo projector on the forest floor
and watches as it glints to life. On it stands the robed figure,
staring at the armored agent with glowering amusement.
"The bait has been set, it will now be up to you to make this little hunt succeed."
"Do they even know they are walking into a trap, or have you honestly convinced them to be martyrs for your cause?"
"Ha!
Do you take me a fool, if I were to reveal the true plan, they would
turn tail, and knowingly make their own way to freedom!"
"I thought as much"
"Those
brainless fools are walking into a trap, this will make way for you to
take the ultimate....do not fail us, Angelita Liathano."
Looking at the holo with a slight smirk, she answers "Have I ever led you or your superiors to doubt me?"
"....Of course not"
Turning off the holo, Angelita sets the holo back on the ship, puts on her helmet and heads off into the forest.
"Lita, can you pinpoint the exact location of our "bait"?"
"Yes,
they are exactly 1356 yards due west, heading towards the appointed
location...Not exactly the smartest bunch, though what can you truly
expect from the Empire?."
The sounds of the forest and
the voices of the sentient Bafforr trees fill Jeme's senses, giving him
a sense of peace in a planet filled with danger. Jeme has come here for
the last three months, often spending most of his time on a flat
obelisk, using it as a focal point for meditation, enlightenment, and
as a means to speak to the Bafforr trees.
Suddenly, alarms
begin to go off within both his mind and the collective conscience of
the fearful Bafforr....intruders....a way out.
Practically
throwing himself off the flat obelisk, Jeme feverishly dashes the short
distance to his crashed ship, which he had made into a makeshift camp.
Grabbing his remaining gear, Jeme slowly and silently makes his way
through the lush flora towards the disturbance. Hearing movement to the
left, Jeme hits the forest floor, getting himself as low as possible.
As the noises continue farther left, Jeme quickly climbs the nearest
tree and lands on the branch just above the group. Right below him
stood three well armed figures stealthily making their way towards the
direction of Jeme's camp.
Eager to finally have some practice,
Jeme jumps down on the unsuspecting squad, giving a bloodcurdling yell,
decapitating one one of the terrified soldiers, then darting off into
the brush, with blaster fire covering his heels.
“What the kriffing hell was that-”
“Shut up and fire! You!” Pointing to the soldier giving suppressing fire “take the idiot and flank the side, make sure the screamer doesnt know your comin...”
“what do you think it is?”
“Hehe...its our prey of course”
With a curt nod, the two other surviving soldier dash over into the underbrush, firing madly at the unknown assailants position.
“I know you are there lass, and Im pretty sure your here for the same reason I am...."
Stepping out of her position, Angelita Liathano gives a slight nod towards the squad commander.
“I honestly did not think you would ever acknowledge my existence until now, did you always know I was there?”
“Always,
I was an Admiral before the....uncertain circumstances of my
incarceration. So basically, I'm not the stupid oaf the Sith brand me
to be.”
“And yet you had the idiocy to send your soldiers after the target....but that was your plan was it not?”
(Screams were heard in the background, ceasing as quickly as they came.)
“as was my plan, now if you excuse me I will be leaving no-”
“you
are staying here...whether you die or not doesnt concern me, but my
instructions were clear....You were set as the bait for this mission
and you shall die as such."
Firing her SB-19 "Fury" Heavy Repeater into his chest, the squad commander and ex-admiral was dead before he hit the ground.
“Did we honestly have to kill him now, he could have been of use to us”
“Agreed, but we couldn't leave any loose ends now could we?
“....true..so very true, Lita how far off is Jeme from our current position?”
“about three feet and counting”
“.....Just perfect”
As
Jeme rushes toward the unmarked agent, he lets out another yell, only
to have something cover his eyes. Eyes blurred and burning; Jeme makes
a double flip, barely missing the sharp vibro sword aimed towards his
chest.
Running back into the brush, Jeme uses the force to
clear the debris from his eyes. He finds that he has run into a
clearing, and obviously into a trap. Anger beginning to boil, Jeme
attempts to calm himself, and decides on a different approach.
“Fool!
Do you think that you have found me cornered? I know this forest and I
know it well, come, face me!....Or I will pursue....for this is just a
game for me, practice..”
Almost suddenly a figure bolts out of the brush, guns drawn, firing expertly towards Jeme.
As
the battle continues for hours, Jeme finally gets his chance, and
grabbing a stun dart that he had grabbed off a soldier, fired it
through the force and into Alicia, knocking her unconscious.
Hours later, as Jeme had already set himself into hyperspace, Jeme checks to see Alicia's condition.
“Honestly
I cant see why you don't just give me a hearty hello like the rest of
the members, I never usually have people I know rescue and attempt to
kill me in the same period of time.”
Groaning slightly, Alicia props herself on the bed, taking the dart out of her side.
“well, I honestly saw nothing wrong with it, I was payed to kill you and you killed me....I get payed anyways..."
Jacan Na'al
- Spoiler:
- It was a planet wide junkyard. No matter what direction you looked you
saw either mounds upon mounds of rubble or the debris of a civilisation
floating upon the polluted ocean.
Taris wasn't even pretty
before the Leviathan bombarded the planet from orbit, the upper city
may have been something of a beauty but it could never fully mask the
filth and
atrocity of the lower city, the ruins of which serve as the backdrop of our member archive today.
A
young human ex-Sith with pronounced Corellian features leapt from mound
to mound with speed that only aide from the Force would allow, his dark
grey robes fluttering and
flailing in the momentum of his journey.
The
lone Corellian's lightsaber hilts dangling from his belt, bouncing
against his thighs with every burst of speed, every leap and every
landing.
He can feel his objective in the distance, still some
distance between him and his goal, what he desired more than life
itself, knowledge.
There was no ordinary holocron buried beneath
the rubble of Taris, deep beneath the rubble, in a long forgotten
temple mentioned only in a single record that had taken him 3
years to decipher, but now his goal was pulsating in the near distance, calling to him, beckoning him.
Until it stopped calling, stopped beckoning, stopped existing.
The
Corellian's focus ceased as suddenly causing him to lost his balance as
he came down from a leap. As he came in contact with the ground his
knee buckled, he rolled forward
and crashed through a half demolished building, finishing what the Leviathan had started.
Clambering
back to his feet he pushed all the Force he could muster into himself
and poured it out in the direction of his goal, where had it gone? what
had happened to it?
Searching the distance he found something, it was moving, it was life, and it had his holocron.
As
quickly as the Corellian had fallen he was on the move again, this time
faster, this time with even more focus, this time he was angry.
The
distance of kilometres was covered with unfathomable speed, bearing
down upon his target who had not even emerged from the old temple ruins
yet and with one final, awe-
inspiring leap he came down and gracefully landed on the third step of the temples exposed entrance.
He
slowly got to his feet, removed his lightsabers from his belt and
ignited them both in a brilliant arc of yellow and purple light, just
as his opponent came around a corner
ahead and stopped dead in his tracks, almost paralyzed by the brilliant lights, almost.
The
Corellian ran at the trooper, for trooper it was, and a highly feared
one at that. He was simply known as Bluestone, no known past, no known
family, no known identity, he was
a ghost and a mercenary that worked for no man, he was a mystery and not to be taken lightly.
As
the Corellian advanced Bluestone opened fire with his blaster causing
the Corellian to change tactics, adjusting to deflect laser fire in
every direction except at the
trooper, except at the holocron.
So
intense was the onslaught that the Corellian nearly missed the thermal
detonator that Bluestone launched in his direction, nearly and he
almost didn't get away in time, the
debris from the explosion merely pushing him further with the aide of his Force leap.
The
distraction was enough to allow Bluestone to get past the Corellian and
was steadily moving towards a large derelict hanger, a rare standing
structure on this junkpile of a
planet.
The Corellian
quickly gathered his bearings, locating Bluestone in the distance,
running faster than he expected of a mere trooper.
Bluestone
reached the hanger just seconds before the Corellian burst through the
same door to find, nothing. The large room was devoid of anything, even
the trooper had vanished
from sight and the Force.
Something was amiss and the Corellian was not going to be taken by surprise.
"Hello Gerard Charles Halcyon" came a voice from the dark shadows of the room.
"Hello"
replied Gerard, not wanting to give away how confused he was feeling
inside, "Can I help you with something?" he asked the shadows.
"It's not me that needs help Gerard, I have the Codex of Tython and you have nothing" replied the shadows.
"If
you hand it over I might spare your life stranger" says Gerard, his
confidence returning in abundance just as he spins to his right and
throws his attacker against the wall bringing masonry and timber
crashing to the floor in a cloud of dust.
The swirling clouds of
dust start to spread as Gerard advances, yellow and purple lightsabers
drawn and ignited as he feels his opponent move within the dust cover.
Stopping
in his tracks and crouching in a battle-ready pose Gerard calls out
"Show yourself, fight like a man! or let me hunt you like an animal!"
"As you wish" comes the reply as a set of green and blue lightsabers ignite several metres in front of Gerard.
"Jacan..."
Gerard mumbles to himself as he rushes on his opponent, only Jacan is
known to dual wield Green and Blue and associate with troopers so
closely, this will be a battle to remember.
The dust never
cleared but both combatants were in tune enough with the Force to not
rely on sight, their use of the Force became heightened in the cloud
cover, Gerard barely even noticed as he batted away the occasionaly
blaster shot, no doubt from Bluestone, waiting somewhere in the large
room.
From Bluestone's vantage point he could only see the blur
of Green, Purple, Yellow and Blue arcs of light dancing across the
room, bouncing off walls and making the dust clouds even denser with
the activity.
Bluestone got up, turned around and walked to
Jacan's ship, where he boarded and started up the engines in stealth
mode, extra silent for sneaky operations.
Hovering over near his
recent vantage point Bluestone prepared for a quick departure, where
Jacan suddenly appeared, disengaged his lightsabers and leapt aboard
the ship, at which point Bluestone promptly maneuvered to leave Taris
and engaged full thrust, but nothing happened.
"Jacan" Bluestone called out as the Ithorian ex-Jedi approached the cockpit, "Somethings wrong..."
"Don't let up on those thruster Blue" said Jacan, "I'll deal with this"
Jacan
moved to the cargo bay door and opened it then approaching the edge he
gazed out towards the hanger seeing exactly what he expected, a lone
Corellian man reaching out towards the ship and the sense of vast
channeled Force power as Gerard held the ship in place.
"The
trick with these types, overly powerful in the Force is to break their
concentration" Jacan called out to Bluestone who really didn't care for
lessons in Force application.
Taking up a heavily modified Arkanian blaster rifle, took aim at Gerard, and fired a single shot.
The shot went right through Gerards left thigh and the ship pulled away for the slightest fraction of a second but that was all.
Again,
Jacan aim the rifle at Gerard and fired, this time the shot destroyed
his lower abdomen and still the Corellian maintained his Force hold on
the ship.
This time Jacan aimed for Gerards forehead and fired, slow and deliberate.
The
ship suddenly burst forth with speed as if shot out of a cannon, broke
through the atmosphere of Taris and commenced the trip back to Caarimon.
"Shame
about that Gerard fellow Jacan" said Bluestone as the former strapped
himself into the co-pilot chair, "We could certainly have used someone
with that much power."
"Oh we haven't seen the last of him yet
Bluestone, don't you worry about that. Let's just get this Codex back
to Caarimon for now."
Gerard Halcyon
- Spoiler:
- No entry submitted. Forfeited.
Bahn Durm
- Spoiler:
- No Entry Submitted. Forfeited.
Quinlan Sa'athis
- Spoiler:
- There it was again.
The feeling was distant, out in space at least a parsec away and without help it would not intersect Carrimon.
Quin
did not get the precognitive flashes as often as others in the Order
but he had learnt to trust them when he did. He really did not have the
luxury of time to sit and think this through, he had to move, think on
his feet, by instinct the hand found its way to the button on his
communicator and it chirped to life.
Despite the hour there were
a few people around and they quickly got out of the way as the Grand
Inquisitor past. His first message was in code and signaled his two of
his droids to ready his ships, the Aurek in the hanger would be used to
get him to the Cruiser he kept in orbit, he could have landed it it
wasn't that big, Quin just preferred it ready and waiting to go, it was
much faster to ready a fighter for a ground launch than a Cruiser.
While the droids got to work the second message was sent in voice to
the Duty Officer.
Two Officers on duty at any one time within
the Command and Control building for the Order, this was usually a
quiet shift and the men had brought their Pazak decks to pass the time,
the message came in and was instantly identified by the ID code as
belonging to one of the Council, this as always caused the display to
change to red so the Officers knew to pay attention to it. The cards
went flying as they snapped to attention, then grinned at each other
when they realized their mistake, the senior officer keyed the
communicator.
"Duty Officer responding, please authenticate"
"Sa'athis Quinlan, Grand Inquisitor"
"Identity Confirmed"
"Sir your ident is confirmed, what can I do for you tonight Sir"
"Relay
to the Council I am leaving the planet for a unspecified time to a
unspecified location, I will be in communicator contact if necessary,
Priority Three.
Sir, yes Sir. Priority Three to
be relayed to the Council via personal consoles in the morning, have a
safe trip Sir, Duty Officer out.
Within
moments Quin was in his fighter and heading into docking range with the
Cruiser, the maneuver was performed to perfection and the Cruiser was
in hyperspace before he had left the cockpit of the fighter.
The
time past quickly for Quin, the droids did all the work on this
particular ship, no organic crew, although the droids could be replaced
by members of the Order should that be necessary but for the most part
Quin worked alone.
He was in his meditation chamber when a bleeping from the console summoned him to the bridge.
"Report"
"We
are approaching a ship on the coordinates you supplied, the registry
identifies it as the Broken Light, the owner of this vessel is a Kel
Dor by the name of Sel Kahl"
"Bring up the all known information on Sel Kahl"
"Sel Kahl is known to the republic as a smuggler, a good one by all accounts, she is a member of the Durm family"
"Access Order Archives, any known Jedi past or present in the family"
"Sister of Balahn, direct descendant of Ban Durm, Jedi Master based at the Dorin Enclave"
"Access Inquisitor Archives, do we know anything else about Sel Kahl"
"Sel Kahl believed to be one of several Captains working for the Republic ferrying essential supplies and espionage"
Quin pondered this information as he sat down and keyed the console.
"Broken Light this is Captain Sa'athis of the Cruiser Reaver, Sel your late, transmit identity code and cut your engines"
By
what unhappy coincidence was he traveling on the same route that Aunt
Sel was expected on, Bahn had little time to wonder this as another
message came in.
"Broken Light, this is Captain Sa'athis, the main guns are trained on you and we have a targeting lock, respond immediately"
"Reaver, this is Bahn Durm of the Broken Light, by what authority do you have to stop and question me like this"
Maybe
I can get though this with bravado, Bahn thought, he had no idea who he
was dealing with of course, how could he, and that type of display was
not going to impress anyone.
"Broken Light, Have Sel transmit her Ident immediately or the next order I give will be to my gunners.
Abandoning all communicator protocol the console hissed to life with angry static.
"She can't, shes dead and I am not telling you anything till I know who you are"
Quin
sensed the anger in the young Kel Dor, also the confusion and arrogant
hope that bravado and stubbornness could see him through, running
through the scenarios he decided a softer approach might work better.
"Captain
Durm you have my condolences, Sell was a fine woman and a hero of the
Republic, allow me to formally introduce myself, Jedi Master Quinlan
Sa'athis, I am Sel's contact and we Jedi are very aware of the Durm
family, you have been expected for a while now.
"Mm..my thanks Master jedi"
Stammered Bahn, this was not what he expected at all
Quin summoned a small amount of power and sent out the next message with more than a hint of suggestion buried within.
"The hanger is large enough for your ship, come and dock so we can discuss your future face to face"
He
could feel the anger boiling within him, the last action before
plotting his course for Tython was to hunt down and kill in cold blood
those that murdered his Aunt, not the Jedi way to be sure. Quin had to
calm the anger enough so the young Kel Dor would accept his suggestions
but not enough for the fire to die, after all the Order was based on
the Force and Quin did not want to stifle either side of it in this
exchange, walking this tight-rope of belief just made his job harder,
but he wasn't the Grand Inquisitor for nothing.
The ship docked without incident and there was a droid to meet him as he disembarked
"Follow me"
And
the droid floated off, Bahn had no choice but to follow, as he walked
through the ship he noticed a symbol that he did not recognize and
strangely he did not see the Jedi symbol anywhere. The door swished
open and he was ushered into a spacious and well-appointed meeting room.
It took Quin a further ten minutes to make arrangements for the Broken Light, she would not be flying again any time soon..
Hood up obscuring his face and black robes encasing him in shadow Quin walked into the room.
"To answer your first question, the symbols you see are the insignia for the Order of the Unifying Force.
And to answer you second, yes I lied to you, I am no Jedi.
I make no apologies, I wanted to speak to you face to face and this was the easiest way to achieve that"
Quinlan took a seat at the table and waited for Bahn to respond to the bombshell he had just dropped
"I am more than I seem Sith"
The
last word spat with defiance as he jumped to his feet and drew his
stolen light sabre, it pulsed a deep blue but Quin sensed the
awkwardness around the blade. Taken from his father upon his flight
from the family home at 16, the blade had been with him ever since
although it had not yet become truly his.
"That
was not made for you, not made by you and you have not mastered the
blade youngling, you are also quite mistaken to call me Sith, once
perhaps but not for a long time now have I held that title. I sit on
the Council for the Order, myself and four others, you would make a
welcome addition to our ranks. We are not Jedi, and we are not Sith, we
are the embodiment of the Living Force, light dark, good evil, abstract
concepts, only the Force matters.
Quin stood and ignited his deep purple, almost black sabre.
"So are we to fight now"?
Bahn
looked at the hooded and cloaked figure at the other end of the room,
he never stood a chance. Maybe he wasn't a Master of the Jedi but he
was a Master of something, and Quin had lowered some of his defenses so
Bahn as untrained as he was could feel the power radiating from Quin.
Bahn deactivated the sabre and replaced it on his belt.
"No, perhaps me being here is the will of the force"
Bahn picked up his chair and sat back down at the table, Quin lowered his hood and smiled as he sat down also.
"You are wise beyond your years, we have much to discuss"
(This is written as a subtle battle of words and wills, I wanted to do something different)
Jasterk Staren
- Spoiler:
- Jasterk Staren clad in his mandolorian armor and bristling with weapons
sat down in the familiar interior of his core galaxy systems freighter
the Errant Venture. Every scratch and dent had a memory, and every
blaster mark and lightsaber burn a story of a miracle. He powered up
the sublight drives and activated the life support systems, among other
things. He was at the beginning of yet another perilous mission, this
time to find someone by the name of Benson as he was known on the
streets, not because he particularly wanted to go on a dangerous
mission but because it was his job, and the only trade he was good at
besides smuggling the occasional crate of spice.
Bounty hunting…..
Jasterk
sunk back in his seat as the ship hurtled toward the edge of Tattoine’s
atmosphere, he had just come from a meeting in Anchorhead with his
contact. Apparently this Benson fellow killed a dark jedi who was a
close friend of his contact, and the sith don't usually die or hire a
bounty hunter to seek revenge for them. This guy must be good.
His
first stop would be Nar Shadda. Jasterks friend Mack lived there, and
had heard the name before. As the Errant Venture reached the edge of
the planets gravity field he punched in the coordinates for Nar Shadda,
he knew all to well.
In a flash of light and a ripple of the surrounding space he was on his way.
Some hours later…
Jasterk
was awakened from his nap by the alarm going off in his helmet, He was
here. Nar Shadda was like Coruscant without all the police or
politicians, and twice the crime and corruption. It was the perfect
place for someone like Jasterk, or Benson, to hide.
The Errant
venture leveled out with the tops of the sprawling buildings that
covered Nar Shadda. Jasterk input the code for his friend Mack’s
commlink and waited for him to pick up.
“Jasterk, how you doin old friend?”
“Just fine mack, I need some information on that guy Benson I told you about.”
He replied as if he got that all the time. “Oh yea yea sure come on in and land at docking pad two.”
Mack
owned a mechanics shop for small and medium sized freighters, it was as
greasy and cluttered as the rest of this stinking planet but Mack knew
his job and he could take apart and put back together any freighter
this side of the galaxy.
After setting his ship down Jasterk
fitted his jetpack onto his back plate and moved the high power CQB
blaster rifle to the magnetic plate on the right side of his jetpack.
He might need to get around quickly and a jetpack was perfect for these
city planets.
Jasterk walked down the ramp of his ship and was greeted by Mack.
“Jasterk so good to see you! Still wear’in that bucket on you're head huh?”
“Sorry Mack but im in kind of a hurry, what do you know about Benson?”
Mack put his arm around Jasterk as they began to walk toward the door.
He
was a pudgy human about five inches shorter then Jasterk and he looked
like a cook with the grease stained white apron he wore.
“Well lets just cut to the chase then, this Benson guy is actually-” KAWAK!
A
heavy power blaster bolt his Mack square in the face and his head
exploded spraying debris all over Jasterk’s helmet. He was shocked for
a moment but quickly recovered, drawing his blaster and jumping and
rolling for a stack of crates. The shot had come from the top of the
building five or six stories up.
He looked over at the smoking
remains of his friend and punched he crate next to him. The whole move
had take only two seconds and he glanced up at the top of the building.
He spotted a head at the top looking down and zoomed in with his helmet
to take a picture. With the face in his database he referenced it with
the security camera footage that was the only known recording of Benson
and found it to be a match.
When Jasterk looked up he was gone. “Son of rancor!” He activated his jetpack and rocketed toward the top of the building dodging a rouge speeder as he went.
When
he reached the top he saw Benson running to jump on a Aero Chaser
speeder bike. Jasterk ran for him producing clanking sounds from the
Beskar he wore. He raised one of his blasters and fired but Benson
dropped and rolled under the speeder bike. He came up on the other side
with a mandolorian pistol and opened fire.
Jasterk dodged and
gave Benson enough time to hop on the bike and power it up. Benson
jumped forward on the bike and dropped off the edge of the building. “I don't think so!”
Jasterk
used his jetpack to shoot into traffic and land on a passing speeder
and punched the rodian knocking him off and into the abyss of
buildings. With his eye on Benson flying away he punched throttle and
pursued. Benson weaved in and out of the chaotic traffic taking
potshots over his shoulder as he went. Jasterk took a more direct route
flying above the lane of traffic and firing down on his target. The
speeder he sat on was the two seat kind and was obviously really old
with all the grit and dirt that covered it. He had to disable Benson’s
speeder now or lose the bounty.
Jasterk leaned out the opening
where there would be a door if the rodian hadn't taken it with him. He
holstered his revolver and disengaged his rifle from its magnetic plate
not bothering to unfold the stock. Jasterk activated it's scope and a
window opened inside his helmet. He aimed for the engine then put the
reticle on the front of Benson’s speeder to lead the target. With a
slow precise squeeze he fired a single compacted bolt, and it connected
with the engine.
Jasterk smiled with the thrill of the hunt and
a successful kill. The AeroChaser Benson sat on began to produce a
cloud of black smoke out the back and he dived for the nearest
building. Benson reached the building in under a second and leaped off
to let the speeder continue its decent toward the underworld of Nar
Shadda. Jasterk followed and leaped out of his speeder using his
jetpack to slow the fall. Jasterk landed on the roof behind Benson with
a metal clanking sound from his boots.
He could see now Benson
was wearing a black cloak and a survival backpack, but he couldn't see
the echani shield generator. Jasterk reattached his rifle and drew both
of his revolvers at the same time. Benson spun around with his own
blaster and both fired a quick succession of shots at each others
hearts. Neither of their shots were effective and both were now
stumbling backwards. Jasterk regained his balance and took aim for
Benson’s head but was foiled in his plan when his enemy fired a
exploding dart at his revolver. It was blown from Jasterk’s hand and
knocked over the edge of the building.
Jasterk fired his fiber cord and yanked the mandolorian blaster away from Benson sending it too over the edge.
The
building was flat with a raised edge around it and thousands of beings
passing going every direction in the background. It reminded Jasterk of
a battle arena, and for now that's what it was. Jasterk reacted to his
gun flying away by stopping the fire on his armor gloves and rolling to
the right. Benson fired another dart but Jasterk was ready and dodged
it. His three hundred sixty degree vision told him it hit a speeder and
sent it diving. If Benson got him in between his plates he was dead,
but Benson could only take a certain amount of damage to that shield
generator.
Jasterk meant to take advantage of this and fired
with his left blaster. Benson was faster then he thought and dodged it
jumping to his right and rolling. Jasterk fired again but Benson moved
to the side and threw something from under his sleeve. It hit Jasterks
revolver and sent it sliding to the edge of the arena. Both stood
without blasters, but Benson obviously had a good array of secondary
weapons, so did Jasterk. In his helmet he told his wrist blaster
attached to his right gauntlet to charge to full power. One hit would
be enough to bring down that shield. Jasterk waited for Benson to
attack giving his blaster time to charge. If he tried to use his
blaster rifle it would just be knocked from his hand.
Jasterk
was looking Benson in the eye when suddenly there was nothing left to
look at. Jasterk was completely confused for a second then realized the
gravity of the situation. Benson had a stealth generator! Suddenly he
was thrown from his feet and landed on his chest. He rolled onto his
back in time to see Benson reappear and try to stab Jasterk in the
neck. Jasterk blocked it by grabbing Benson’s wrist and His helmet
beeped signaling his right gauntlet blaster was charged. Jasterk smiled
and stopped struggling, his blaster was pointed right at Benson’s
heart, and his blaster would go right through the shield.
“See you later Benson!”
Jasterk
fired the blaster and Benson was thrown off of his chest and flew at
least ten feet to his left. Jasterk got to his feet and approached
Benson expecting to see a smoking hole in his chest, but there wasn't
one. Instead Bensons shield shimmered and died, and sparks sprayed for
a moment from the shorted out stealth generator on his utility belt.
He must have some sort of interweave armor.
Benson
looked to his right at Jasterk and threw a knife with his left hand.
Jasterk dodged it and continued triumphantly approaching Benson, his
gauntlet blaster was almost charged again. Jasterk was within a few
feet of Benson when the toughest target he had yet faced drew a strange
looking pistol from under his cloak and fired.
The green bolt
hit Jasterk right in the chest armor plate and knocked the wind out of
him sending him to his knees. Now Benson was approaching Jasterk as he
recovering from the blast. Benson was toying with him now. He fired
another bolt and destroyed Jasterk’s wrist gauntlet, only the Beskar
underlay saved his arm. Benson stood over him now, blaster pointed
between Jasterk’s plate's. It was of unknown design to Jasterk, and he
knew a lot about weaponry, but it was deadly.
“You
mandolorian bounty hunters, always thinking you can catch anyone and
kill anything, I must admit though, you were an ok challange.”
Jasterk
was unaffected by Benson’s words and was thinking of a way to get out
of this. He had one last weapon that Benson couldn't beat.
Jasterk
reached with his right arm and stood up at the same time. He drew the
sith light saber he carried, and ignited it. The crimson blade shot
forth and in a sweeping motion Jasterk severed the end of Benson’s
blaster, leaving is useless. Benson was surprised, but not for long, he
drew a combat knife and blocked Jasterk’s next strike with a backwards
style grip.
Jasterk was furious now, he had lost one of his
favorite revolvers and got the crap beat out of him. Jasterk raised the
blade for another strike but Benson rolled and dodged it. He tripped
Jasterk and both were on the floor. The light saber shut off and rolled
across the deck but Jasterk was ready for what came next. He blocked
the stabbing action of Benson’s combat knife and using his hand to hand
combat skills disarmed Benson, but his opponent too was skilled. They
hit each other with a quick group of blocks and strikes until they
finally kicked each other and rolled backwards. Both jumped to their
feet, baring cuts and bruises now. Jasterk charged and began the
hardest hand to hand battle he had ever fought. He tripped Benson but
he retaliated with a similar move knocking down Jasterk.
Benson
reached for Jasterk’s lightsaber and ignited it but Jasterk fired his
last fiber cord to yank it over the edge. They again stood facing each
other and Benson produced a throwing knife. He tried to stab Jasterk’s
neck but he ignited his jet pack just in time missing the blade by
nano-meters. This did not stop Benson though and before Jasterk had
made it over his head he grabbed his leg and stabbed the throwing knife
into his ankle. Jasterk Let out a cry of pain and Benson swung the
airborne mandolorian sideways toward the edge of the building.
Jasterk
landed sending sparks flying from his green jetpack. It was unusable
now and Jasterk fully realized this as he rolled over the edge of the
Dura steel roof, grabbing the edge with the tips of his fingers. Benson
strode toward Jasterk ready to finish the kill.
He had lost only one of his favorite blasters..
with only a few seconds left before Benson would kill him he activated
his magnetic right glove from within his helmet and called the revolver
to him. It's grip landed in Jasterk's palm and with a trained pull of
the hammer and precise aim Jasterk squeezed off the killshot. The last
thing he saw on Benson’s face before it exploded was the look of
surprise, knowing it was to late to dodge the blast.
Jasterk
finally climbed back onto the roof and sat up letting lose a sigh of
relief and pain. He took off his helmet to gaze upon the smoking
remains of his hardest opponent and smiled.
“Yea, like you had a chance against a mandolorian.”
Benson
- Spoiler:
- No Entry Submitted. Forfeited.
Last edited by Carlen Darko on Thu Feb 11, 2010 3:20 am; edited 1 time in total
Carlen Darko
Re: BRII: Round I Entries
Kevlar Tue Feb 09, 2010 1:18 pm
That's awesme! Haha, I've been waiting a while to read everyone's short stories, its great over all, those of you who submitted them atleast =P
But after reading all of that, I feel as if mine is a tad bit too long... hahaha =S
and a tad bit too violent and dark.
But after reading all of that, I feel as if mine is a tad bit too long... hahaha =S
and a tad bit too violent and dark.
Kevlar
Re: BRII: Round I Entries
Mictian Tue Feb 09, 2010 10:02 pm
Firstly... I am... -very sad-... Them people who didn't submit them entries should be banned from the next royale or something >:c But meh, they must have had a good reason, so I can't really say ~
I hope that the bad paragraphing was a html error, or maybe my screen was just too small, or something like that XD Anywho, I like to see the battle royale as a way to improve ones self, and therefore, I shall proceed with teh critiques o.o
For starters, it'll help if you gave your story a quick read after completing it, a grammar check of sorts. Always assume that your participant is flawless, and hold yourself against that standard. Spelling and grammatical errors tend to spoil a perfectly epic story. Secondly, description is important, especially in fight scenes which are meant to be dramatic and whatnot. I'm not sure about the other judges, but I find the ability to envision myself within a scene very fulfilling. Don't worry about story length, for a nice long story which manages to capture the essence of the scenario / plot would always go down well in my books. That being said, long stories would also require the vigilance of the writer to ward against the evils of bad grammar and petty mistakes. Other than that, just try and keep in mind that the actual 'battle' should be the main focus of your story, and that a 'battle' should have more... feeling... >.<
The 'reminders' above are meant for everyone, seeing as I didn't think it necessary to point fingers. Just keep em in mind the next round, or if you don't make it, then the next battle royale. All in all, just let your creativity flow, and I'm sure something nice will come of it <:
I hope that the bad paragraphing was a html error, or maybe my screen was just too small, or something like that XD Anywho, I like to see the battle royale as a way to improve ones self, and therefore, I shall proceed with teh critiques o.o
For starters, it'll help if you gave your story a quick read after completing it, a grammar check of sorts. Always assume that your participant is flawless, and hold yourself against that standard. Spelling and grammatical errors tend to spoil a perfectly epic story. Secondly, description is important, especially in fight scenes which are meant to be dramatic and whatnot. I'm not sure about the other judges, but I find the ability to envision myself within a scene very fulfilling. Don't worry about story length, for a nice long story which manages to capture the essence of the scenario / plot would always go down well in my books. That being said, long stories would also require the vigilance of the writer to ward against the evils of bad grammar and petty mistakes. Other than that, just try and keep in mind that the actual 'battle' should be the main focus of your story, and that a 'battle' should have more... feeling... >.<
The 'reminders' above are meant for everyone, seeing as I didn't think it necessary to point fingers. Just keep em in mind the next round, or if you don't make it, then the next battle royale. All in all, just let your creativity flow, and I'm sure something nice will come of it <:
Mictian
Re: BRII: Round I Entries
Guest Wed Feb 10, 2010 12:46 am
I really liked Gerad's, Bahn's, and Benson's. Very clear, concise and that red text really gives it character. 
Guest- Guest
Re: BRII: Round I Entries
Jacan Na'al Wed Feb 10, 2010 12:47 am
The paragraph/formatting is a problem with copy+pasting on these forums, one usually has to go back through and reformat after pasting.
Which Carlen can still do if he finds the time.
Which Carlen can still do if he finds the time.
Jacan Na'al
Re: BRII: Round I Entries
Jeme'Maer Wed Feb 10, 2010 3:18 am
crap, I had brackets to seperate the different views of my story to make it more understandable.....oh well.
Jeme'Maer
Re: BRII: Round I Entries
Jeme'Maer Wed Feb 10, 2010 3:28 am
....Kevlar......u win...you just win and it puts my story to shame....next battle royale im sure il be ready...especially after seeing what you have, its a perfect example of a good story along with Quins and Jasterks.....and you killed me in such a blaze of glory !_! (claps)....I feel really really crappy about mine lol
Jeme'Maer
Re: BRII: Round I Entries
Carlen Darko Wed Feb 10, 2010 4:08 am
Sorry about the paragraph formatting everyone. I had a short amount of time to work on this thread last night to get it on time. I'll do my best to fix the issue today.
Carlen Darko
Re: BRII: Round I Entries
Kevlar Wed Feb 10, 2010 5:15 am
Mictian wrote:Firstly... I am... -very sad-... Them people who didn't submit them entries should be banned from the next royale or something >:c But meh, they must have had a good reason, so I can't really say ~
I hope that the bad paragraphing was a html error, or maybe my screen was just too small, or something like that XD Anywho, I like to see the battle royale as a way to improve ones self, and therefore, I shall proceed with teh critiques o.o
For starters, it'll help if you gave your story a quick read after completing it, a grammar check of sorts. Always assume that your participant is flawless, and hold yourself against that standard. Spelling and grammatical errors tend to spoil a perfectly epic story. Secondly, description is important, especially in fight scenes which are meant to be dramatic and whatnot. I'm not sure about the other judges, but I find the ability to envision myself within a scene very fulfilling. Don't worry about story length, for a nice long story which manages to capture the essence of the scenario / plot would always go down well in my books. That being said, long stories would also require the vigilance of the writer to ward against the evils of bad grammar and petty mistakes. Other than that, just try and keep in mind that the actual 'battle' should be the main focus of your story, and that a 'battle' should have more... feeling... >.<
The 'reminders' above are meant for everyone, seeing as I didn't think it necessary to point fingers. Just keep em in mind the next round, or if you don't make it, then the next battle royale. All in all, just let your creativity flow, and I'm sure something nice will come of it <:
Well said Mictian.
All in all, I think everyone who submitted an entry did great and those who didn't, well, I assume you had a good reason.
Also, I kind of deliberately left then ending so that everyone would assume the Jeme was killed... but was he?! Dun dun DUN!~
Kevlar
Re: BRII: Round I Entries
Arashi Storm Wed Feb 10, 2010 8:13 am
@ Mictian - Well said Champion!
@ Jeme - I must say I really enjoyed your story and I think you are being too hard on yourself. Just take some of the things Mictian said and apply it in the future. But I liked the overall. I think you should have just spent a little more time on it.
@ Kevlar - I was definitely waiting for you to say something about Jeme's fate.
@ All participants - I enjoyed everyone's stories very much. It's too bad not everyone was able to submit, but it sure made my job easier hah. I think we will see a 100% submission rate in the next round.
@ Jeme - I must say I really enjoyed your story and I think you are being too hard on yourself. Just take some of the things Mictian said and apply it in the future. But I liked the overall. I think you should have just spent a little more time on it.
@ Kevlar - I was definitely waiting for you to say something about Jeme's fate.
@ All participants - I enjoyed everyone's stories very much. It's too bad not everyone was able to submit, but it sure made my job easier hah. I think we will see a 100% submission rate in the next round.
Arashi Storm
Re: BRII: Round I Entries
Kevlar Wed Feb 10, 2010 8:43 am
Mictian wrote:and that a 'battle' should have more... feeling... >.<
Haha, I assume that was pointed at me...
I'd like to say that I deliberately wrote Alicia's portion as very cold, methodical and calculating. It is my concept of Alicia that especially in a chaotic combat situation, she operates/thinks more like a highly advance assassin droid then a flesh and blood being.
So I try to write her in this clinical and mechanical tone.
I tried to write Jeme's part more about feelings, instincts, teachings and power of the force.
If it seem to lack feeling on Jeme's section, then I apologize. But if it seemed to lack feeling on Alicia's part, that was the point.
Kevlar
Re: BRII: Round I Entries
Quinlan Sa'athis Wed Feb 10, 2010 10:05 am
Kevlar wrote:Mictian wrote:and that a 'battle' should have more... feeling... >.<
Haha, I assume that was pointed at me...
I'd like to say that I deliberately wrote Alicia's portion as very cold, methodical and calculating. It is my concept of Alicia that especially in a chaotic combat situation, she operates/thinks more like a highly advance assassin droid then a flesh and blood being.
So I try to write her in this clinical and mechanical tone.
I tried to write Jeme's part more about feelings, instincts, teachings and power of the force.
If it seem to lack feeling on Jeme's section, then I apologize. But if it seemed to lack feeling on Alicia's part, that was the point.
I would say it was more likely directed at me, my "battle" was perhaps too subtle looking back at it.
Quinlan Sa'athis
Re: BRII: Round I Entries
Mictian Wed Feb 10, 2010 11:19 am
One should remember that 'feeling' doesn't always translate to raw human emotion. In fact, lack of emotion, if portrayed well, gives the 'feel' of impersonality, detachment, etc. It creates opportunities for unexpected reactions, intrigue, and occasionally, comic relief, among others >.< 'Feeling' revolves around the ability to invoke emotions within the reader, which can only be done if the reader is first able to envision himself in the scenario, or picture the scene perfectly in his mind. Sight, smell, sound, touch, emotion, mixed with good descriptions are epic. Still, it might be too much to ask, seeing as I myself didn't manage to pull it off <.< But it's a nice idea to keep in mind <:
Kudos to all you people, thingy, yea XD I can't wait for round two :3
Kudos to all you people, thingy, yea XD I can't wait for round two :3
Mictian
Re: BRII: Round I Entries
Aurora Antares Wed Feb 10, 2010 1:11 pm
Mictian wrote:Firstly... I am... -very sad-... Them people who didn't submit them entries...
I think you mean "those people" and "their entries" on the topic of grammar (in the rest of your post you make mention to it) - so sorry, can't help myself, I am somewhat of a dictator
On another note, I'm just starting to read the stories, props to all involved, so far it shows that all who entered put a lot of thought into it, and its a very interesting concept.
Aurora Antares
Re: BRII: Round I Entries
Mictian Wed Feb 10, 2010 3:38 pm
I prefer using lolcat / l33t speak to maintain joviality or to emphasise an overall lack of seriousness. Surely a dictator such as yourself would be knowledgeable enough to recognise obvious informalities, no? o.o
Mictian
Re: BRII: Round I Entries
Aurora Antares Wed Feb 10, 2010 3:50 pm
No idea what lolcat/l33t speak is, but I understand being jovial and mildly ironic, so carry on. The dictator shall allow it
Aurora Antares
Re: BRII: Round I Entries
Arashi Storm Wed Feb 10, 2010 7:26 pm
Please refer to Article II Section B if you are unsure of the forum posting guidelines.
Arashi Storm
Re: BRII: Round I Entries
Carlen Darko Thu Feb 11, 2010 3:19 am
The winners are declared:
Alicia De'Lories (Kevlar) vs. Jeme'Maer
Jacan Na'al vs. Gerard Halcyon
Bahn Durm vs. Quinlan Sa'athis
Jasterk Staren vs. Benson
-----
Battle Royale II - Round II topic opened
This topic closed.
Alicia De'Lories (Kevlar) vs. Jeme'Maer
Jacan Na'al vs. Gerard Halcyon
Bahn Durm vs. Quinlan Sa'athis
Jasterk Staren vs. Benson
-----
Battle Royale II - Round II topic opened
This topic closed.
Carlen Darko
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